Disbelief

I suppose my latest bout of misplaced fear and bewilderment came from my department head at one of the universities that I work at has avoided meeting with me regarding my interest in pursuing my Ph.D. there. This person is someone that I saw as a friend; she had been on my thesis committee and was helpful and supportive.

As I knew that she was quite instrumental in the doctorate application process and had met with me on several occasions to discuss my thesis, she chose not to meet with me to help me better understand what I needed to move forward in my late in life shift back to academia. Her reply to my email was to not reply to it; several days later, I received a hard copy of the original rejection email with her signature attached. In several short sentences, it stated that "graduate programs must be very selective in making their admission decisions," and encouraged me to contact my graduate director for further information. This is exactly what I did.

While I have no doubt that there are others much more qualified than I, my greatest disappointment is her avoidance. While others had encouraged me to apply, this rejection (without further clarification) disturbs me greatly and reinforces my general sense of anxiety with my chosen path. Short term, I will continue with my adjunct positions, but long term I am not so sure. As I have met disappointment and rejection before (as so many of my friend and colleagues have as well), I must see this as a sign that it was simply not meant to be. But that still doesn't make me feel that much better, at least not yet.