I suppose my latest bout of misplaced fear and bewilderment came from my department head at one of the universities that I work at has avoided meeting with me regarding my interest in pursuing my Ph.D. there. This person is someone that I saw as a friend; she had been on my thesis committee and was helpful and supportive.
As I knew that she was quite instrumental in the doctorate application process and had met with me on several occasions to discuss my thesis, she chose not to meet with me to help me better understand what I needed to move forward in my late in life shift back to academia. Her reply to my email was to not reply to it; several days later, I received a hard copy of the original rejection email with her signature attached. In several short sentences, it stated that "graduate programs must be very selective in making their admission decisions," and encouraged me to contact my graduate director for further information. This is exactly what I did.
While I have no doubt that there are others much more qualified than I, my greatest disappointment is her avoidance. While others had encouraged me to apply, this rejection (without further clarification) disturbs me greatly and reinforces my general sense of anxiety with my chosen path. Short term, I will continue with my adjunct positions, but long term I am not so sure. As I have met disappointment and rejection before (as so many of my friend and colleagues have as well), I must see this as a sign that it was simply not meant to be. But that still doesn't make me feel that much better, at least not yet.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Uncomfortably long break (afraid to continue?)
After 4 1/2 month break (sabbatical? distraction? working elsewhere?), I return to my new blog. As my primary focus is to be on the media and how it relates to everyday life, I would like to expand this somewhat, as I feel the urge to explore a topic that most can relate to, the very real and sometime debilitating impact that fear (of the unknown? of success? of failure? of trying?) can have on the individual (I guess that'd be this individual, me, macherman).
Recently receiving a set-back of sorts that would have helped me define the next several years of my professional life, I once again return to reflecting on just what it is that I can do to sustain myself over the next several years. Having returned to academia (as I believe I have mentioned earlier in this nascent blog) has been a combination of highs and lows, the highs being earning a graduate degree, the lows including a lack of sustainable income to allow me the freedom to feel less tense and relax a little bit. But I find that I am somewhat afraid to do so.
Fear has helped shape much of my life, I am afraid (see, there it goes again!) When a young man, I aspired to a career in some element of "show biz." I played keyboards and sang in a band during my teen years, and continue to enjoy both to some degree even today. Receiving support and encouragement from others, I felt the urge to continue an element of "display" in my future endeavors. Since I love to talk and sing, I felt that a career in radio might be a good option for me. Indeed, I was active in my undergraduate years as a disc jockey for my college radio station and remember thoroughly enjoying the experience. However, after several attempts to get a paying gig, I ultimately abandoned this pursuit. Curiously, I now have absolutely no desire for such a career, as I fear that at least popular radio (even including much of the more targeted satellite radio) panders to the same, tired tastes of the masses. But do I delude myself here?
Is it just fear that keeps me from continuing to pursue activities that I might enjoy? Fear of failure, or is it rather fear of success (that must be sustained, god forbid. You mean I have to continue to bet better at it?)
Looking back on half a century now, I do have certain regrets, but sincerely believe that what I do today (ultimately enjoying a sliver of "public performance" teaching at a couple of local colleges) would be much different if I my ability to shrug off fear was more effective. Fear certainly keeps us out of harm's way, but are we (me?) simply wallowing in our own regrets, simply because we are afraid to pursue what we truly want? Simply because others have told us that we aren't "good enough" really mean that we are indeed subservient?
Is it just me?
Recently receiving a set-back of sorts that would have helped me define the next several years of my professional life, I once again return to reflecting on just what it is that I can do to sustain myself over the next several years. Having returned to academia (as I believe I have mentioned earlier in this nascent blog) has been a combination of highs and lows, the highs being earning a graduate degree, the lows including a lack of sustainable income to allow me the freedom to feel less tense and relax a little bit. But I find that I am somewhat afraid to do so.
Fear has helped shape much of my life, I am afraid (see, there it goes again!) When a young man, I aspired to a career in some element of "show biz." I played keyboards and sang in a band during my teen years, and continue to enjoy both to some degree even today. Receiving support and encouragement from others, I felt the urge to continue an element of "display" in my future endeavors. Since I love to talk and sing, I felt that a career in radio might be a good option for me. Indeed, I was active in my undergraduate years as a disc jockey for my college radio station and remember thoroughly enjoying the experience. However, after several attempts to get a paying gig, I ultimately abandoned this pursuit. Curiously, I now have absolutely no desire for such a career, as I fear that at least popular radio (even including much of the more targeted satellite radio) panders to the same, tired tastes of the masses. But do I delude myself here?
Is it just fear that keeps me from continuing to pursue activities that I might enjoy? Fear of failure, or is it rather fear of success (that must be sustained, god forbid. You mean I have to continue to bet better at it?)
Looking back on half a century now, I do have certain regrets, but sincerely believe that what I do today (ultimately enjoying a sliver of "public performance" teaching at a couple of local colleges) would be much different if I my ability to shrug off fear was more effective. Fear certainly keeps us out of harm's way, but are we (me?) simply wallowing in our own regrets, simply because we are afraid to pursue what we truly want? Simply because others have told us that we aren't "good enough" really mean that we are indeed subservient?
Is it just me?
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